Hello, friends!!

How is everyone today? I’m so excited, I am about to leave town to go visit my parents. They have both been vaccinated, in case you were worried. So, I cannot wait to see them. We live about 6’ish hours away from them so it’s a bit of a drive (well, anywhere in Texas is a bit of a drive) but they still live in my hometown of Lubbock, TX. And I haven’t been back to LBBK in probably 3 years. I’ve seen my parents in that time but it’s usually that they come to us because my brother and his family and my family live about an hour from each other so logistically it makes sense for them to come to us. So, I’m excited to see my parents and take the boys on a road trip and all of that. 

Also, I want to remind you that If you haven’t already taken my Free course, “3 simple steps to managing your IVF anxiety” do it now! It’s like 12 minutes long or thereabouts and it provides the basic framework for managing anxiety that I give to ALL of my clients. 

You can find it by going to my website- www.IVFthiscoaching.com and about halfway down on the sight your will see the class and how to access it. There are links as well on both my IG and FB pages which are both @ivfthiscoaching. So, if you haven’t done that do it now. Or wait. Listen to THIS episode first and then do it!

So today we’re going to talk about a little phenomenon called IVF Fog. It’s not something that is really talked about in the infertility and IVF world but it’s something that I noticed during my own IVF experience so I thought I would share it with all of you. There are other terms for it, The Griever’s fog or trauma fog. But since we’re all IVF’ers we will call it the IVF Fog. I want to help you understand why it happens, what are the components of it, and a few ideas for what to do about it. 

IVF Fog is a common, but rarely discussed condition that occurs after a significant loss or traumatic experience. Both of which can occur within the context of infertility and IVF. You know the name of my game is to create awareness around these things, because if you’re experiencing these symptoms you might be inclined to call yourself crazy, but I assure you, my friend you are not in fact crazy! We are also inclined to believe that, if we’re going through something like this, that this will be how we always function. This is also not true. You know how I know? Because we all get better. 

Ok, so what is this IVF Fog that I am talking about. See if you recognize yourself in any of these scenarios.

Maybe you are gearing up for your first cycle and feeling completely overwhelmed by the logistics, the doctors appointments, the blood draws, the ultrasounds, medication deliveries, when to take them, how to inject them, how to mix them all of that. You would normally consider yourself a pretty organized person but lately anything, but IVF has seen to fall by the wayside. Maybe some work deadlines have come and gone, or your partner has asked you to drop something off at the post office for several days in a row and you just can’t seem to remember to do it. The little details that you normally have well-in-hand are just kind of slipping through the cracks. 

Maybe you have had a failed transfer or you found out that none of your embryos made it and, in your grief, you have shut down and disassociated from the people that you love. You tell people you will call them back, but you never do. Maybe you keep losing or misplacing your keys. You’re growing more and more frustrated with, what you call, your air-headedness. 

Maybe you experienced a miscarriage, and you can’t focus on anything. I had a client that had suffered a miscarriage. She was a nurse and she had such difficulty focusing that she had to take a leave of absence because she didn’t want to put her patients in danger due to her inability to focus. For another client of mine, she talked about working at her desk and zoning out at the computer or in meetings for however many minutes without actually doing any work, then her phone will ring or someone will say her name and it snaps her back into the present moment. 

For some of us, it means being in a conversation and all of a sudden not knowing what is being said, not knowing where the conversation was headed, forgetting what our point was- this feeling of being completely spaced out. I will freely admit, this is something that is very typical for me. After our failed transfer, I did this when I would try to read or when I was watching TV. When I was reading, I couldn’t retain the words. I recognized the words and I was sort of going through the motions of reading but that was it. I couldn’t recall anything I had just read. And when I was watching TV, same thing. If it was something I hadn’t seen before, I would get lost very quickly and have to rewind and then I would get so frustrated, I would turn on something that I had seen before so I could zone in and out. 

It was like this haziness, not of anything in particular, just hazy. It wasn’t like I was in denial about what had happened, I could remember it clearly, but it was like I was very detached from it. 

What’s important to know about this is that it is your brain doing exactly what brains are supposed to do. In times of great stress, grief, or trauma our brains try to protect us. So, we don’t feel the full impact of it, immediately. I visualize my brain throwing a blanket over itself. Where it can kind of see through, like a crocheted blanket, but it’s hard to see things clearly. So through this protective instinct in our brains, it can feel like we are a little dampened or numb, or like everything is hazy, as if in a fog. Again, this is a protective process. It is an adaptation that we have through our evolution to help us survive when we are presented with trauma or extreme stress. 

A couple of things I’ve noticed from myself as well as some of my clients, it can almost feel like a dreamlike state but also very inconsistent. Like one day you feel like the fog is lifting and then the next day, BAM it’s back.  One of the things that is so frustrating about IVF fog is our inability to predict it, or if and when it’s going to end. That can be very frustrating or disheartening and that’s when we sometimes start to believe that well, this is just how we are now. 

In the fog, it can be very difficult to make decision. It may be more difficult to access willpower, maybe you’re snacking more or drinking more or something like that. We can feel physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. 

I think this is so crucial to understand because when we’re talking about the stress and trauma related to infertility and IVF, we don’t typically think of it as actual trauma. I have two episodes dedicated to this topic, so if you have listened to those, check them out. But essentially people think of trauma as something that physically happens to you or someone you love. What we don’t think about is that emotional trauma is still trauma. 

That is what our brains are trying to recover from, the trauma and loss that we have experienced throughout our journey. It does not mean that because you’re experiencing IVF Fog that something is wrong with you. It is just a byproduct of the brain’s natural reaction to trauma. So, naturally, it feels like everything is out of whack. 

There have been several studies that show that the stress levels of those experiencing infertility or going through IVF are similar to the stress levels of those experiencing cancer or other chronic diseases. When the brain experiences significant stress or when you’re grieving, your brain experiences increased activity in the regions responsible for processing physical pain, emotional regulation, memory, multitasking, organization, and learning. During this time, we have this flood of neurochemicals and hormones. And when those are out of whack, our sleep can be disturbed and we can experience fatigue and increased stress and anxiety- all of our favorite hits, right?

Then when all of these things combine to make a perfect shit storm, our brains take a major hit. 

The effects of this can also be seen in increased cortisol levels which cortisol is basically a hormone that is released when we are stressed. It’s a big part of this whole process. Because when we have excessive cortisol, the prefrontal cortex part of our brain, the part of our brain that regulates our emotions and memories, amongst other things, is being taxed further. With too much cortisol in our system, we are even less able to process things, so it’s no wonder that we’re on the struggle bus. Stopping at every struggle stop, along the struggle route. 

It’s not surprising that we’re overwhelmed, that we can’t retain information, or that we zone out. 

That is the IVF Fog. 

So, now that you know a little more about what that is, hopefully, you understand that you’re not crazy, or stupid, or whatever BS you’ve been telling yourself. 

Now, I bet you want to know what to do about it, right?

Well, if you listened to me for any period of time I think you will know the first step is always self-compassion. Compassion, Compassion, Compassion, compassion. 

I’ll say it till I’m blue in the face. When you show yourself compassion you can begin to see that this isn’t the result of you doing something wrong. You can also begin to acknowledge that this is not going to last forever. This absolutely does not need to be another reason that you beat yourself up. Or that it’s another things that you need to worry about. 

Your brain is trying to protect you. And there is nothing more normal than that!

The second step is try to find some humor in it. Now, I know that we’re all really good at telling ourselves very unhelpful things when we make a mistake BUT when we do that, we actually create more of a breeding ground to continue to make other mistakes. NO one has ever hated themselves into perfection. It doesn’t exist. 

So, instead of beating yourself up for missing something or forgetting something. Have a little chuckle about it. Maybe you unloaded the groceries from the car and accidentally put the car keys in the fridge (personal experience) or as you got out of the car you accidentally left them in the locked car (also personal experience) wow, I’m not to be trusted with keys when I am under a lot of stress or am grieving- I think I’ve learned something new about myself today. 

The point is, that there is humor to be found during this time. And humor feels a helluva lot better that letting it be frustrating or judging yourself for it or worrying about it, or feeling embarrassed. Find the humor in the little moments as best you can. 

And then of course - and this is IVF fog or no fog - take good care of yourself. Find those outlets that allow you to process what is going on for you. Journaling can be magical. Art, any sort of creative outlet. Meditation, yoga, exercise. Anything that contributes to the mind-body connection can be amazing. Making time for not just the work of grief or stress but those activities that when you're doing them, time passes. Those activities that when you're doing them, you just forget about what's going on. 

As much as you can, take time for self-care. Get as much sleep as you can. Get support where you can. Support groups can be wonderful. Individual counseling, life coaching, figure out what support you need and take that time for you. You are worth it and there's nothing wrong with you if you're experiencing IVF fog. 

Ok, my friends. That is what I have for you today. 

I hope you have enjoyed it and I will talk to you next week. Remember, I adore you and you’ve got this!