IVF This Podcast Episode 179 IVF & Cognitive Distortions
Hello, hello, hello, my beautiful friends!
I hope you’re doing well today. I’m so glad you’re here, because today we’re diving into something that affects every single one of us—especially when we’re navigating infertility and IVF. We’re talking about cognitive distortions. These little mental gremlins that sneak in and mess with how we see ourselves, our journey, and even our future.
You know those moments when one comment or setback makes it feel like your whole world is crumbling? Or when your brain starts telling you that everything is hopeless, even when that’s not really true? Yep, that’s a cognitive distortion. These thoughts feel true—sometimes they even feel protective—but most of the time, they’re just old thought patterns trying to keep you safe.
Today, we’re going to name them. Because when you can name a distortion, you can tame it. You can interrupt the pattern. You can bring in a little compassion and a whole lot of clarity.
What Are Cognitive Distortions?
So, what are these things exactly? Cognitive distortions are automatic thought patterns—like mental shortcuts—that your brain uses to make sense of things. But instead of helping, they often make things harder. These thoughts are usually negative, exaggerated, and totally distorted versions of reality.
Imagine your brain has on a pair of cloudy, smudged-up glasses. Everything it sees is filtered through fear, shame, or doubt. That’s what cognitive distortions do. They don’t show you the full picture—they show you the scariest, harshest version of the story.
And listen, your brain isn’t doing this to be mean. It’s trying to protect you. It’s trying to prepare you for danger or disappointment. But when you’re going through something as emotionally intense as infertility or IVF, those distortions get louder and more frequent—and they start running the show.
That’s why we need to notice them. Because once you see them clearly, you can start to talk back. You can say, “Ah, I see what you’re doing, brain. But we don’t have to go down that road today.”
Let’s take a look at some of the most common cognitive distortions, and then discuss the ones that appear most often in this community.
Comprehensive List of Cognitive Distortions
All-or-Nothing Thinking – Everything is either a total success or a total failure. There’s no middle ground.
Overgeneralization – Believing that because one bad thing happened, it will always happen.
Mental Filter – Only focusing on the negative parts of a situation.
Discounting the Positive – Ignoring or minimizing anything good.
Jumping to Conclusions:
Mind Reading – Assuming you know what someone else is thinking.
Fortune Telling – Predicting the future without evidence.
Magnification or Minimization – Blowing things out of proportion or shrinking the good stuff.
Emotional Reasoning – Believing that because you feel something, it must be true.
Should Statements – Holding yourself to rigid rules that usually start with “I should…”
Labeling – Defining yourself by one negative experience (e.g., “I’m a failure”).
Personalization – Taking responsibility for things outside your control.
Control Fallacies – Thinking you’re either completely powerless or totally responsible.
Fallacy of Fairness – Believing life should be fair and feeling angry when it’s not.
Blaming – Blaming others or yourself for everything that goes wrong.
Always Being Right – Needing to prove you’re right, even when it causes conflict.
Heaven’s Reward Fallacy – Expecting that if you suffer or do everything “right,” you’ll be rewarded.
Alright, now that we’ve got the list, let’s walk through the ones I see most often in infertility and IVF. I’m going to give you examples and some gentle ways to work through them.
1. All-or-Nothing Thinking
Example: “If this transfer doesn’t work, then IVF will never work for me.”
Sound familiar? This distortion wants you to believe that if one thing goes wrong, then it’s all wrong. But IVF—and life—is full of nuance. One outcome doesn’t define your whole story.
2. Catastrophizing
Example: “If my hormone levels are off, it means I’ll never become a parent.”
This is your brain trying to prepare for the worst—but it usually ends up creating panic that isn’t helpful. Take a breath. The story isn’t over.
3. Discounting the Positive
Example: “Sure, I made it through the retrieval, but that doesn’t mean I’m strong.”
Um, yes it does. That was hard. And you did it. Don’t let your brain steal your own wins.
4. Mind Reading
Example: “They probably think I waited too long to start trying.”
Unless you have a mind-reading superpower (in which case, teach me!), you have no idea what others are thinking. And even if someone is judging—that’s on them, not you.
5. Should Statements
Example: “I should be more positive. I shouldn’t cry so much.”
You’re not a robot. You’re human. And you’re going through a lot. There’s no “should” when it comes to survival.
6. Emotional Reasoning
Example: “I feel hopeless, so that must mean there’s no hope.”
Feelings are valid—but they’re not facts. You can feel hopeless and still have hope.
7. Overgeneralization
Example: “My last transfer failed, so this one will too.”
Every cycle is its own thing. Just because something happened once doesn’t mean it’s your forever pattern.
How to Identify Cognitive Distortions
Pause and Get Curious – Ask yourself, “What story is my brain telling me right now?”
Look for Extremes – Watch for words like always, never, should, can’t, everyone, no one.
Name It – Once you spot it, call it out. “Ah, that’s catastrophizing. Got it.”
How to Unravel Them
Talk Back with Kindness – Ask, “Is this the whole truth?” or “What would I say to a friend who felt this way?”
Zoom Out – What else could be true? What’s another way to look at this?
Get Grounded – Move your body. Breathe. Place your hand on your chest. Let your nervous system settle.
Ask for Support – Sometimes we need someone else to help us zoom out and see the full picture.
Final Thought
These distortions are normal. They’re human. And they don’t mean you’re broken.
But now? Now you can see them. Now you have language. Now you have tools.
And most importantly—you have you. The version of you who is growing, healing, and learning to be a little gentler with that beautiful, busy brain of yours.
Until next time, be kind to yourself. You’re doing such a good job—even when it doesn’t feel like it. Especially then.
You’ve got this.