Hello, hello, hello, my beautiful friends.

Today I want to change things up a little bit. Usually, I’m talking directly to you, my beautiful IVF’ers—the ones walking through this journey, carrying the weight, navigating the heartbreak, the hope, and everything in between. But today? Today I want to talk to the people who love you. The people who are in your life and want to help—partners, friends, siblings, co-workers, parents—this one’s for you.

Now IVF’ers, don’t go anywhere! I think you’ll find this episode helpful, too. Maybe even cathartic. And who knows—maybe it’ll give you some language for the next time someone asks, “What can I do to help?”

If someone you love shared this episode with you, first of all—thank you for listening. You’re here, which means you care deeply. And I just want to say that speaks volumes. Thank you.

What is the Righting Reflex?

The righting reflex is our instinctive urge to fix things. It's that voice inside that says, “Let me help! Let me offer a solution. Let me say something that’ll make this better.” And that’s such a beautiful instinct. Truly. It comes from love. It comes from wanting to ease suffering.

But here’s the twist: that reflex—to fix, to solve, to make right—can actually do more harm than good, especially when you’re talking to someone who’s experiencing infertility or going through IVF.

This term comes from a counseling technique called Motivational Interviewing, developed in the 1980s. Practitioners noticed that when they jumped in too quickly with advice or solutions, it actually made people more resistant to change. Because they didn’t feel heard. They didn’t feel understood. They didn’t feel seen.

And that same thing plays out during infertility.

If your friend or sibling or co-worker is grieving yet another failed cycle, and you jump in with, “Well, at least you can try again!” or “Don’t worry, your baby is coming,” what they might hear, even if it's not what you meant, is: "You need to move past this. Your pain is too much."

That’s the righting reflex in action.

Why the Righting Reflex Backfires

Let’s talk about why this well-meaning reflex actually makes things harder.

The righting reflex often bypasses the emotion. It skips right over the person's pain and lands directly in the land of solutions. And when that happens, the person who is hurting feels minimized, dismissed, or like their feelings are inconvenient.

Let’s say your loved one shares that their transfer failed. They’re devastated. And the response is, “Don’t give up!” Now, that’s probably said with all the love in the world. But what it feels like is: “You're not allowed to feel hopeless. Your feelings are making me uncomfortable.”

When we jump to solutions, we miss a crucial step: witnessing. Witnessing someone's pain, being present with them in it—that is what fosters connection. Not advice. Not platitudes. Just presence.

And this goes for your internal righting reflex, too. If you’re the partner or support person and you’re thinking, “I should know what to say. I should be able to make her feel better,” that’s your own righting reflex showing up. That pressure you feel? That desire to ease the pain? That’s normal. But it can be so healing to acknowledge, “I can’t fix this. I can only walk beside her.”

How the Righting Reflex Shows Up During IVF

Let’s look at how this shows up in real-life conversations:

Scenario 1: The Pep Talk Your sister says, “I just don’t know if I can keep going.”

And you respond, “But you have to! You’re so strong. You’ll regret it if you quit.”

This might feel encouraging. But to her, it might sound like, “Your feelings of wanting to stop aren’t valid.”

Try instead: “That makes total sense. I can see how exhausting this has been. What do you need right now?”

Scenario 2: The Fixer They tell you they’re trying a new protocol, and you say, “Have you thought about cutting out gluten? My friend swears by it.”

It’s not bad advice, but unless they’re asking for suggestions, it’s probably not what they need.

Try instead: “How are you feeling about this new approach?”

Scenario 3: The Silver Liner They say, “Our last embryo didn’t make it.” And you respond, “Well at least you know you can make embryos!”

Oof. That one stings. Loss is loss, no matter how you spin it.

Try instead: “I’m so sorry. That’s heartbreaking. Do you want to talk about it?”

What Helps Instead

So what does support actually look like?

1. Validate First

Before you offer any advice or encouragement, just validate.

• “I’m so sorry this is happening.”

• “That makes total sense.”

• “You’re not alone in this.”

2. Let Them Take the Lead

Ask before you offer.

• “Do you want to talk about it?”

• “Would it help to brainstorm or just vent?”

3. Hold Space, Not Answers

This journey is full of unanswerable questions. The gift you can give is presence, not perfection. Just being there—without judgment, without fixing—is enough.

4. Resist Comparison

Even if you’ve experienced something similar, remember: no two stories are the same. Instead of, “I know exactly how you feel,” try: “I can’t imagine exactly what you’re going through, but I’m here.”

Final Thoughts

To the loved ones listening: I know this is vulnerable. It’s scary to say the wrong thing. It’s uncomfortable to sit in someone else’s pain. But please know, you don’t need to fix them. You just need to see them.

And to my beautiful IVF’ers: if you shared this episode with someone you care about, I hope it helps you feel a little more understood. You are not asking too much. You are not being too sensitive. You are a person going through something incredibly difficult, and your people want to walk with you—they just might not know how.

Now they do.

That’s what I’ve got for you today, my friends. Be gentle with yourselves. And each other.

Until next time—you’ve got this.