Welcome to IVF This, Episode 182: IVF and Helpful Thoughts

Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends, I hope you’re all doing so, so well today. Summer is in full swing. I hope you’re enjoying if you're traveling or if you’re one of those people who enjoys the hot weather- we will never agree on that, but I love and support you regardless, and I love that you find joy in that. 

Okay, let’s talk about helpful thoughts and grief, shall we?  First things first, I’m going to talk a lot about grief in this episode. The IVF process and infertility in and of itself is a massive experience in grief (both from a macro perspective and micro-meaning the overall experience as well as those tiny little moments of pain, loss, and disappointment. So if I say “grief” or “grieving” It’s within the context of IVFR and infertility- but can be understood for any tuype of grief. 

So I want to start with what I mean by helpful thoughts and what I don’t mean by helpful thoughts. Why choosing your thoughts matters in the first place in grief. And then I’m going to offer you a whole list of thoughts that you might like to try on and you can try them on like you would try on clothes in a dressing room and just see how they feel to you. So, let’s talk about what I mean.

Our brain loves efficiency, human brains love efficiency. We have many existing thought patterns in our brain that just exist. We don’t have to think about most of the thoughts that we think. We think tens of thousands of thoughts every day, most of them we are not choosing on purpose, they just kind of show up in our brain. Some of them are not so helpful. So, when we notice, thoughts are just showing up in our brain that aren’t so helpful, we get to be the ones who choose what we want to think instead.

Now, what I don’t mean is toxic positivity. I don’t mean forced gratitude. I am not interested in minimizing your experience, negating your experience, disregarding the truth of how you are experiencing something. I am not suggesting that we try to make light of something that is hard. I am not suggesting we compare our experience to that of others and use it as a way to be mean to ourselves. So, this is not what I’m talking about.

I am talking about choosing sentences on purpose so that we can create more of what we want. Choosing thoughts on purpose so that we can create more of what we want instead of just listening to every thought that shows up in our mind, courtesy of pre-existing patterns. A lot of them are just super unhelpful and this matters. I’m going to give you five reasons, although there are probably more, but this matters, choosing our thinking matters, first of all, because it’s a way to take control.

And actually the next episode planned where we’re going to talk about power grabs in IVF and grief and when they’re helpful and when they’re not, so they’re not always helpful. But in this instance, I want you to think about why they could be helpful because when we’re grieving, it can feel like everything is just out of control. This awful thing is happening or has happened that we didn’t really want to have happen and all of a sudden everything feels like it’s changed.

And sometimes it just feels like the rug got ripped right out from under us or it’s like we’re in a little tornado and it just feels like we are at the effect of lots of things in life that we didn’t ask for and that’s so common. And so, when we pick our thoughts intentionally, we can grab back some of that control. We can remind ourselves that while we definitely can’t change what is happening or has happened, we do have power to choose our internal experience of how we respond to it. Maybe not our initial reaction, by the way, but we do get to choose our response to our reaction.

And I think that’s a very empowering shift and one that we don’t want to overlook because it gives us a say in our own grief and that’s a beautiful thing. So again, pay attention to an upcoming episode where we’re going to talk about power grabs in grief and how they’re not all helpful. But I think this one is a very helpful thing, to choose what you think. When we choose what we think, we’re also able to create a new emotional response. And choosing what we think is also like saying, I’m changing the story that I’m telling myself about what’s happening.

Now, I’m not saying create a new emotional response, such that you ignore the one you’re having. I’m not saying disregard or bypass your pain and try to cover it up with positive, happy thoughts. I’m talking about choosing thoughts that make our pain more bearable, that reduce suffering, that remind us that the natural normal pain in grief, grief is supposed to have pain, so is being a human, its temporary. So, I’m talking about moving from thoughts like I’ll never be happy again, definitely had that thought, to even with this grief, I can still find moments of happiness. I won’t always feel this way.

So that’s very different from saying, “I have to feel positive and hopeful bc that’s the only way this will work”, and trying to talk ourselves out of the emotions that we’re feeling and polish a turd, if you will. So choosing what we want to think in grief can be a way to take control. It can be a way to create a new emotional response. It can also be a way to build resilience.

Regularly choosing constructive thoughts, useful thoughts, helpful thoughts helps us build resilience. And remember that resilience isn’t about avoiding sadness. It’s about developing the skills that are required of us to navigate sadness, to deal with sadness effectively. That way we’re better equipped to deal with the challenges that are in front of us. We’re better equipped to deal with this sadness and the sadness that might someday come. 

Then choosing useful, helpful thoughts in grief really does shape our grief experience. I want you to think about it. When we are dwelling on the negative, when we are thinking thoughts that focus more on the negative and by nature of doing so, also disregard anything that isn’t negative, then that’s what our brain is going to be showing us more of. When it’s, I’ll never be happy because I won’t get the family I dream about, your brain is going to show you all the things about life that have changed that will never be ‘happy’.

And it will also not show you things that are right in front of you that might be evidence to the contrary, that you could be happy again. And that’s not your fault. It’s not that you’ve done anything wrong. It’s because the filtering system in your brain is doing what it’s supposed to do. We find evidence of our thinking so what we think matters because it shapes our grief experience.

And think about too, have you ever noticed yourself thinking some thoughts that are very heavy and then thinking more heavy thoughts on top of those heavy thoughts, building a sad story on a sad story? It’s like a little spiral and not a fun one. And again, I’m not saying ignore or dismiss or minimize what you feel. I’m saying, notice the power of your thinking and decide when a thought is useful to you and when it is not and be the boss of the thought that you choose next.

This is a huge part of what we do in my coaching program, by the way because the challenge can be that sometimes you don’t even spot your own thinking. You can’t tell when thoughts you’re thinking are actually optional, they will feel so true to you that it’s hard to sometimes tell. But when somebody’s not in your brain like me, we can tell. And then also, even when you do spot a thought that you can tell is not helpful, it can be hard to actually change the pattern without the right tools. And so that’s one of the things I love doing.

Then my last reason, hopefully I’m selling you on choosing helpful thoughts in grief, my last reason is that it really does enhance the quality of your life. And the quality of your life matters, it matters. I know, you’ve probably been taught to believe that everybody else’s quality of life somehow matters more than yours, but I take exception to that. Our quality of life really does matter. How we feel day-to-day, what actions we take, how we interact with others, those things are all important. Our quality of life is important. Our mental wellbeing is important. Our health is important. EVEN in the face of IVF.

And constructive thinking, helpful thinking, useful thinking, thinking on purpose is what allows us to create that quality of life that we deserve. It’s what allows us to maintain the connections and the quality of connections that we want, to find meaning in life, to live the way that we want to live, to live into what we value. So that we are creating it with this one precious life that we have. Even though, at the same time we’re doing it and we’re coming to terms with such a significant loss, those things can happen together.

We can choose our thoughts on purpose. We can choose helpful thoughts while we are in deep grief. Did I sell you on it? I hope I sold you on it. Now I want to give you a list of some thoughts to try on. This is a long list, 25 and a bonus. Sometimes I get started and I just keep going. So here are some helpful thoughts. Now, thoughts don’t universally feel the same for every person. So, as you listen to these thoughts, see what happens in your body. See how they feel to you. Do they feel believable to you? Do they feel good in your body?

Think about it like shopping for clothes. Sometimes you look at something on the rack and you think, I like that. And then you go into the dressing room and you try it on and you hate it. Or what I might like on my body might be very different than what you like on your body. So that’s why I want you to pay attention. I don’t just want you to take this list of thoughts and declare that yay, verily you shall think these thoughts. Because some of them might work for you, some of them might not, and that’s what I’m interested in. Alright, so here they are.

First, in the wise words of Megan Devine, who wrote It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay, you can think that thought. That’s a useful thought, it’s okay to not be okay. That can be a very useful thought.

The worst thing that can happen to me is a feeling and I’ve already allowed lots of feelings. Think about how true that is. The worst thing that happens to humans, I would argue, is feelings. And look at you, you’ve already allowed so many of them.

I’m an imperfect human doing the best she can with what she knows. I tell myself this all the time. Some of these are just useful thoughts, grief or no grief. I’m an imperfect human doing the best she can with what she knows. And I bet that is true for you most times.

I can love myself through this part of my life experience too. What if that’s what we told ourselves when life got rough. I can love myself through this part of my life experience too. Nobody else is going to do it. Who better than us?

Here’s another one. There’s no way to do grief wrong. You know this. There’s no way to do grief wrong. There’s no way to do IVF wrong, if you’re following all of your doctors recommendations.  Maybe other people in your world think that there is. Maybe your brain wants to tell you that there is. Maybe sometimes you tell yourself you’re backsliding or you should be further along. But there is no way to do any of this wrong. That is a very useful thought. And listen, notice how you feel when you think these thoughts. Close your eyes if it helps. Try them on, think them, see what you feel. That’s how you know if a thought is useful.

I’m figuring it out. Did you know you’re not supposed to have it all figured out? Did you know it’s okay not to know and to make mistakes? They should tell us these things at very young ages, shouldn’t they? I’m figuring it out.

My feelings are valid and deserve my care and attention. My feelings are valid and deserve my care and attention. Now, I will say that with a slight asterisk, which is, your feelings are valid because they’re caused by your thoughts. So, whatever you’re thinking is going to create what you’re feeling. So, everybody’s feelings in that way are valid. This is not to say that some feelings are valid and other feelings aren’t.

This is a sweeping statement to say that whatever you feel is okay; no matter what youre feeling it ultimately makes sense. And when we tell ourselves it’s not okay that we feel that way, that’s when we make how we’re feeling harder. Don’t do that to yourself. My feelings are valid and deserve my care and attention.

Grief is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of deep love and connection. So many of us are judging ourselves and telling ourselves that how we feel makes us weak. It’s just not true.

Every day is different and I’m doing the best I can with each one. Remember, grief is not linear, nothing about life is, honestly. It’s like a giant scribble. We’re up, we’re down, we’re here, we’re there, we’re everywhere, we’re forwards, we’re backwards, whatever that even is. Every day is different and I’m doing the best I can with each one. That is grief.

I can find support when I need it and it’s okay to reach out for help. You can. It’s okay to reach out for help. Support is available. There are amazing humans who want to support you, humans who have gone to trainings and devoted their lives to supporting you and helping you. Some humans that just love you deeply and have no training but are still great support. You can find support when you need it, it’s okay to reach out for help.

It’s okay to laugh and have fun, and it doesn’t mean that your priority isn’t building your family. It’s okay to laugh. It’s okay to distract ourselves and have activities that are restorative in nature and have nothing to do with infertility, IVF, of grief. But we don’t get to do those things, we don’t get to reap the benefits of restorative activities, if we judge ourselves for doing them, if we judge ourselves for enjoying them, they aren’t restorative anymore.

We have to give ourselves permission to laugh and to have fun. And remind ourselves that it does not mean we didn’t love them. It doesn’t mean we’re forgetting them. It doesn’t mean anything except we’re humans and laughter and fun is also a valid part of the human experience, an important one.

My grief experience is unique and it’s okay if it doesn’t look like anyone else’s. And also, it’s okay if it doesn’t look like the last one that you had. One grief might be very different from the next grief and the next grief and the next grief. Grief is unique.

I’m allowed to set boundaries to protect my energy and peace of mind. You get to be the one who chooses her boundaries.

My feelings of sadness coexist with hope for the future. It’s not one or the other, it’s and. Remember, we’ve talked about and on this podcast, the most powerful word in grief. It all exists together. It’s not a binary, it’s not black or white, it’s not one or the other, it’s all of it. You can be simultaneously sad and have hope for the future. You can be simultaneously sad and also feel joy.

It’s okay to redefine what happiness looks like for me now. Happiness in this chapter may not look like happiness in the last chapter. If we keep insisting that it does, it’s probably going to get really frustrating. It’s okay to redefine what happiness looks like for us now. This process can change you, that doesn’t make it a bad thing. 

I’m grieving at my own pace. I’m grieving at my own pace, it’s not a race, there’s no finish line. Nobody’s getting any prizes or medals. Not a race. I’m grieving at my own pace. Again, going back to my definition of grief, a natural human response to a perceived loss, we’re always going to have a response, it might change over time, it probably will. The loss is never going to be undone. Therefore, grief is always going to be there. It’s always going to be part of our experience. Yes, we’re on the home stretch.

I am more than my grief. Your grief does not define you. Some days it might feel like that, some days it might feel like it has swallowed you whole. But you are more than your grief. You are a human having a grief experience. You are more than this grief experience.

I can handle tough days and each one I manage shows my resilience. Give yourself credit for all of the resilience building days you have already endured. Your brain will want to tell you that you can’t handle it, that it’s too much and those aren’t necessarily the most useful thoughts, talk back.

I can cherish the past and still make room for new experiences and relationships. We talked about the and of dating not too long ago, same thing here. I can cherish the past and still make room for new experiences and new relationships. What we do in the present and in the future does not diminish what we had in the past.

I’m still connected to my spouse through the love we shared. I love thinking of still being connected to Hugo and I’m in a relationship that is amazing right now, but I still cherish and foster that connection because I have room in my heart. So, I like believing that he is present and around and that we’re still connected. Two more.

Here’s the last couple. It’s okay if others don’t understand my experience or don’t agree with my choices. Who in your world doesn’t understand your experience? Who in your world doesn’t agree with your choices? They are there, I know they are. They’re there for all of us. And if we’re always insisting that they need to understand or they need to agree, then either we will be trying to convince them, or we will be trying to change ourselves, neither of which is particularly enjoyable. So, what if we just went with, it’s okay if they don’t understand our experience, it’s okay if they don’t agree with my choices. I like those.

Last one, it’s an oldie but a goodie. I can do hard things. I can do hard things. Remind yourself of this, you have done so many hard things already. There’s so much evidence that makes this thought true. Go back, look for evidence. What are the hard things you’ve done? Make a list if you need to refer back to it. I think that’s a super useful thought most of the time.

Alright, so here’s what I want you to remember. Lots of thoughts are showing up in your brain because you are human and that’s the way brains work. You didn’t choose most of them on purpose, they’re just patterns. Your brain offers you thoughts, tens of thousands of them all day long. Some of them are useful and helpful, some of others are not. You get to be the one who chooses what she thinks.

Now, you might not be able to choose the thoughts that just automatically show up in your brain, but you, once you notice them, do get to choose what you think next and that is not toxic positivity. That does not mean we’re putting lipstick on pigs and trying to just find the happy things and dismiss or minimize the reality of the emotions that we feel. That’s not what I’m talking about.

What I’m talking about is using thoughts as tools to create what we want, thoughts as things to move us toward what we want. So, choose wisely and remember that different thoughts feel different to different humans. So, try thoughts on, see what feels good to you, you be the boss. Alright, that’s what I have for you this week. You’ve got this. Take care and I’ll see you next week. Bye bye.