Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends. I hope you’re all doing so, so well.

As I sit here writing this, I have a mug of coffee that is… let’s be honest… mostly lukewarm because I keep forgetting to reheat it. Which feels incredibly on-brand for today’s topic: emotional perfectionism. Because emotional perfectionism is this belief that if we could just get our emotional responses right—if we could feel the “right” things and avoid the “wrong” ones—maybe the rest of this journey would get easier. Or maybe we would feel more in control. Or maybe we would look like we’re handling IVF “well.”

And I just want to say this from the very beginning:
Emotional perfectionism is one of the most invisible, pervasive, and punishing forms of perfectionism I see in the IVF community.

If you’ve been with me for a while, you may remember an earlier episode on perfectionism—how it’s not about your output but about your internal relationship with yourself. Today we’re zooming in on a very specific flavor of that: the pressure to manage your emotions perfectly.

So let’s dig in.

Emotional perfectionism starts with a belief a lot of us don’t even realize we hold:
that there are good emotions and bad emotions.
That some emotions are acceptable to feel and show, and others should be pushed down, hidden, minimized, or “fixed.”

Joy, hope, gratitude?
Those are “good.”

Sadness, jealousy, fear, anger, grief?
Those get labeled as “bad.” Unproductive. Unhelpful. Inconvenient.

So when the “bad” ones show up—and infertility guarantees that they will—we end up thinking things like:

• “I shouldn’t feel this way.”

• “I should be more positive.”

• “I should be grateful.”

• “I shouldn’t be angry.”

• “I shouldn’t feel jealous of someone else’s pregnancy.”

• “I should be stronger than this.”

And instead of processing the emotion, we suppress it.

We tell ourselves:

• “I should just get over it.”

• “I should move on.”

• “I shouldn’t cry again.”

• “I shouldn’t be scared.”

That voice—the one adding judgment on top of your emotion—is emotional perfectionism.

And it doesn’t just stop at suppression. It also creates impossible emotional standards for yourself:

• “I should handle this with grace.”

• “I shouldn’t break down.”

• “I should stay hopeful every day.”

• “I shouldn’t feel vulnerable.”

• “I should bounce back quickly.”

These are standards that no one can meet.
Not in infertility.
Not in IVF.
Not in life.

But emotional perfectionism tries to convince you that if you could meet these impossible standards—if you could nail the emotional performance—you’d be okay. You’d be worthy. You’d be “doing IVF right.”

Emotional perfectionism usually comes from a deeper belief that our value is conditional.

If I’m pleasant, I’m lovable.
If I’m grateful, I’m worthy.
If I’m positive, I’m admirable.
If I’m composed, I’m “strong.”

Many of us were raised to make things easier for everyone else. To not burden people with our feelings. To be the “good girl,” the peacemaker, the emotionally contained one.

So when infertility hits—this thing that is wildly unfair, wildly out of your control, and wildly emotional—the instinct is to manage it “gracefully.” To be the polite patient. The hopeful warrior. The strong one.

Add the chronic uncertainty of IVF to that…and emotional perfectionism goes into overdrive.

Your brain thinks:
“If I can’t control the outcome, maybe I can control how I feel about the outcome.”

So you begin policing your internal world in order to feel in control of something—anything.

But here’s the truth:
IVF doesn’t reward emotional perfection.
It doesn’t give you extra points for staying positive.
It doesn’t punish you for crying in your car after an appointment.

Emotional perfectionism isn’t making the journey smoother.
It’s making it lonelier.

Let’s talk about the harm—because emotional perfectionism doesn’t just hurt a little. It hurts a lot.

1. It creates chronic psychological distress

You’re not just feeling the emotion—you’re fighting it.

You’re anxious… and ashamed that you’re anxious.
You’re sad… and disappointed that you’re sad.
You’re angry… and guilty for being angry.

It becomes doubled suffering.

2. It damages relationships

Suppressed emotions don’t disappear—they leak out sideways.

Through irritability.
Through shutdown.
Through withdrawing from the people who want to support you.
Through resentment because “no one understands what I’m holding.”

Emotional perfectionism isolates you.

3. It lowers mood and reinforces shame

When you constantly judge your emotional state—“Was I positive enough today?” “Did I handle that well enough?”—you reinforce the idea that emotions are moral performance.

That leads to lower mood, heightened anxiety, and symptoms of depression.

4. It narrows your emotional life

When you try to numb “bad” emotions, you also numb the “good” ones.

You can’t selectively numb.
If you shut down grief, you also dim joy.
If you shut down vulnerability, you also dampen connection.
If you shut down fear, you also flatten hope.

And suddenly, your entire emotional world feels muted.

Emotional health isn’t the absence of difficult emotions.
It’s the absence of judgment about those emotions.

It’s understanding that emotions aren’t moral categories—they’re messages.

Messages like:
“This matters to me.”
“This scares me.”
“This hurts.”
“I want this so badly.”
“I’m grieving something I hoped for.”

Emotional health is allowing the full spectrum—joy, grief, jealousy, hope, fear, excitement—without telling yourself you’re wrong for having any of them.

It’s honesty, not performance.

LOOSEN EMOTIONAL PERFECTIONISM

1. Notice the “good vs. bad” emotions rule

Catch yourself in the act of categorizing:
“This emotion is allowed. This emotion is not.”

Replace that with:

“This emotion makes sense.”

You’re telling the truth instead of moralizing your internal world.

2. Replace suppression with curiosity

When you hear yourself say:
“I shouldn’t feel this.”

Pause.

And try:“What might this emotion be trying to tell me?”

Curiosity opens the door.
Suppression slams it shut.

3. Lower impossible emotional standards

Instead of expecting yourself to be hopeful, grateful, composed, and resilient all the time…
expect yourself to be human.

Shift from:
“I shouldn’t feel vulnerable.”

to: “Vulnerability means I care.”

4. Interrupt the consequences before they snowball

When you notice an emotion → then notice judgment piling on top of it → pause.

Interrupt it with:“Nothing has gone wrong because I feel this.”

This prevents chronic distress, emotional shutdown, and that slide into low mood.

5. Practice daily emotional permission

Hand on your chest.
Deep breath.

Say: “I am allowed to feel this.”

This one practice dismantles emotional perfectionism at the root.

6. Embrace “good enough” emotional days

You don’t need to feel your emotions perfectly.
You don’t need to regulate perfectly.
You don’t need to process perfectly.

A “good enough” emotional day might mean:
You cried and took a walk.
You were anxious but still ate breakfast.
You felt jealous but didn’t shame yourself for it.

That is emotional resilience.

7. Redefine strength

Strength is not emotional composure.

Strength is:

• Telling the truth about how much this hurts

• Letting yourself feel what you feel

• Asking for support

• Allowing tears

• Being honest with yourself

Strength is honesty.
Not performance.

If you take only this one thing from this episode, let it be this:

You do not have to earn your future child through perfect emotional behavior.

You are not more worthy because you stayed positive.
You are not less worthy because you cried.
Your emotional experience is not a report card.

You are worthy because you love.
Because you show up.
Because you care.
Because you are human in an impossible moment.

That is emotional courage—not emotional perfection.

So, my beautiful friends, as you move through your next appointment, your next cycle, or even just your next Tuesday afternoon, I hope you allow yourself to be a little less perfect and a little more human.

You don’t need to perform strength.
You already are strong.

You don’t need to curate your emotions.
You just need to feel them.

Alright, that’s what I have for you today.
Take such good care of yourselves, and I will talk to you soon.