Hello, my beautiful friends. Welcome back to IVF This. I’m your host, Emily Ginn, and today we’re talking about one of my very favorite psychological concepts — and one I see every single day in my clients — the arrival fallacy. You may remember that I touched on this in my “IVF & Graduating” episode, but today we’re going all in. The arrival fallacy is one of the quiet, sneaky culprits behind so much of the emotional whiplash in fertility treatment, and I think it deserves its own space.

So let’s dig in.

What Is the Arrival Fallacy?

Coined by positive psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar, the arrival fallacy is the belief that once I get to X… then I’ll finally feel Y.
Once I get the positive beta…
Once we make blast…
Once I graduate…
Once I’m in my second trimester…
Once I have the baby…

It’s the idea that your emotional experience will magically, permanently shift once you “arrive” at a milestone.

It’s seductive. It makes perfect sense. And yet… it’s almost never how our brains actually work.

Because the fallacy assumes a static human. A person who will arrive at a milestone, exhale deeply, and then live forever in a bubble of certainty, gratitude, joy, or relief.

But we’re not static. We are dynamic, complex, layered beings — especially during infertility and IVF, where every new milestone comes with new uncertainty, new decisions, new emotions you didn’t know you were capable of.

A lot of life has arrival fallacy baked into it — jobs, relationships, buying a house. But IVF? Oh, IVF is a masterclass.

IVF gives you built-in milestones that look like finish lines:

• “Once I get my AMH and AFC results…”

• “Once we get good retrieval numbers…”

• “Once the embryos come back normal…”

• “Once I transfer…”

• “Once I get my beta…”

• “Once I hit viability…”

• “Once this child is finally here…”

It’s an endless staircase of arrivals.
And each one feels like The Moment you’ll finally stop feeling anxious, scared, or unworthy.

But what actually happens is… you arrive, and suddenly there’s another step. Another contingency. Another “but what if…”

And if you don’t understand the arrival fallacy, you might think:
“Why am I not happier?”
“Why am I still scared?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Isn’t this what I wanted?”

This is where shame can creep in — because the fallacy implies that your emotional discomfort means you’re ungrateful or broken. When in reality, this is just how brains work under chronic uncertainty.

Why We Believe the Fallacy?

Let’s compassionate-account this.

1. You’re exhausted.

IVF involves sustained emotional labor.
Your brain is desperate for a finish line, so it creates imaginary ones.

2. You want relief more than anything.

IVF isn’t just a medical process — it’s an existential one.
Your family, your identity as a parent, the life you want… it’s all wrapped up in it.

Of course you want relief.
Of course your brain keeps saying, Maybe the next milestone will be the one.

3. We’re conditioned culturally.

There’s an entire narrative around achievement = happiness.
“Once you get the job…”
“Once you meet your partner…”
“Once you have the baby…”

So your brain is just running the programming it was handed.

The Problem With the Arrival Fallacy? It creates emotional perfectionism — this belief that the “right” emotional experience is waiting for you at the finish line if you can just get everything perfect.

It also creates self-shaming when the arrival doesn’t deliver what it promised.

Examples from clients (anonymized, as always):

• A client who got a perfect retrieval and still felt scared, and then shamed herself for not feeling relieved.

• A client who got a positive beta and immediately panicked that she didn’t feel “excited enough.”

• Someone who graduated from the clinic and felt more anxiety — and thought that meant she wasn’t grateful.
  (This is exactly what we explored in the IVF & Graduating episode.)

This is all arrival fallacy at work.

What Actually Happens at Milestones

A milestone doesn’t change your internal emotional system.
It doesn’t magically create certainty.
It doesn’t erase grief or fear.

What milestones actually do:

• They shift the type of uncertainty.

• They add new layers of decision-making.

• They ask your nervous system to stretch further.

• They often activate old trauma or loss memories.

• And yes, they sometimes bring joy or relief — but usually alongside fear or grief.

Milestones create a both/and emotional landscape.

IVF milestones are not finish lines.
They’re transition points.
They’re chapters.

And chapters have tension.

Reframing the Arrival Fallacy: What You Can Rely On

Instead of believing “Once I get there, I’ll feel better,” we shift to:

“Every milestone will bring a new set of emotions, and I am capable of meeting myself in each one.”

Milestones don’t give you emotional certainty.
But your skills can give you emotional stability.

Three Tools to Loosen the Arrival Fallacy

1. Normalize Mixed Emotions

Milestones are inherently mixed: relief + fear, joy + grief, hope + dread.

You can say to yourself:

• “Of course I feel both relief and anxiety.”

• “Of course joy feels fragile right now.”

• “Of course this feels complicated.”

Normalize the paradox, and the shame dissolves.

2. Work With Your Nervous System, Not Against It

When you hit a milestone, your system often spikes:
Is it safe to celebrate? Should I pull back? Should I prepare for the worst?

Try:

• Hand on heart or belly

• Slow exhales

• “Right now, I’m safe enough.”

• “Right now, my only job is to breathe.”

This interrupts the “what’s next” spiral that fuels arrival fallacy.

3. Build Emotional Anchors Instead of Finish Lines

An emotional anchor is something you can return to no matter what milestone you’re in:

• A grounding phrase

• A consistent journaling practice

• A regulated breath pattern

• A support person

• A mantra like, “I don’t have to feel perfect; I just need to feel present.”

Anchors keep you steady.
Finish lines keep you chasing.

Where to Go From Here

So the question becomes:
How can I support myself at each milestone, instead of expecting a milestone to support me?

What would compassionate, sustainable hope look like?
What expectations can I loosen?
What would it feel like to stop waiting for the “arrival” and start supporting the “right now”?

This doesn’t mean giving up your dreams or goals.
It means removing the emotional mirage around them.

My beautiful friends, nothing about the arrival fallacy means you’re doing IVF “wrong.” It simply means you’re human — a human navigating one of the most emotionally demanding processes of their life.

Milestones are allowed to feel good.
They’re allowed to feel scary.
They’re allowed to feel like… not enough.

And none of that means anything is wrong with you.

What matters is learning to be with yourself in the in-between.
Learning to anchor instead of chase.
Learning that emotional peace doesn’t live at the finish line — it lives in your capacity to meet yourself with gentleness, right now.

I love you. I’m proud of you. And I’ll see you next week.