Welcome to IVF This, episode 195: IVF & The Worst Feeling

Hello, hello, hello, my beautiful friends.
I’m really glad you’re here today.

I want to talk about something that comes up over and over again—in coaching, in IVF spaces, in relationships, in work, in life—and it’s this quiet, powerful belief that there is something we could not survive.

That there’s a line.
That there’s a breaking point.
That there’s a thing that would absolutely undo us.

And we usually talk about that thing like it’s an event.

Another failed transfer.
Bad news.
A loss.
A no.
A conversation that doesn’t go the way we hoped.
A door closing.

But what I want to gently suggest today is this:

The thing is not the thing.

What we are actually afraid of…
is the feeling we imagine the thing will create.

And if that’s true—
if a feeling is the worst thing that can happen to us—
then everything changes.

We say things like:

“I couldn’t survive another failed cycle.”
“I couldn’t handle hearing no.”
“I couldn’t live with that regret.”
“I couldn’t get through that grief.”

And I want you to notice something.

When we say those sentences, what we’re really saying is:

“I couldn’t survive how I would feel.”

Not the logistics.
Not the calendar.
Not the practical fallout.

The emotional experience.

This is such an important distinction, because our brains are very good at disguising emotional fear as practical fear.

We tell ourselves we’re afraid of outcomes…
but underneath that, we’re afraid of feelings.

I often invite clients to do an exercise where they name the worst feeling they can imagine.

Not the worst event.
Not the worst diagnosis.
Not the worst case scenario.

Just the feeling.

And the answers are usually very human:

Hopelessness.
Powerlessness.
Shame.
Grief.
Loneliness.
Regret.

What’s fascinating is that two people can fear completely different situations and still land on the exact same emotional destination.

Because again—
it was never about the thing.

When we slow this down even further and ask,
“What does that feeling actually feel like in the body?”

People say things like:

“My chest feels tight.”
“My stomach drops.”
“It feels heavy.”
“It feels hollow.”
“I feel frozen.”
“I feel shaky.”

And then we ask:

“How do you imagine you would react to that feeling?”
“How might you try to avoid it?”
“How might you try to dull it?”
“How might you resist it?”

This is where we start to see patterns.

Avoidance.
Over-functioning.
Numbing.
People-pleasing.
Control.
Busyness.
Perfectionism.

Not because we’re weak.

But because somewhere along the way, our nervous system learned the story:

“This feeling is too much.”

When we avoid things like:

Hard conversations
Decisions
Hope
Attachment
Grief
Risk

We are not avoiding the thing.

We are avoiding the emotional experience we believe we won’t survive.

And just a quick caveat on the avoidance piece—avoidance isn’t neutral, it’s just deferred cost.

The emotional experience doesn’t disappear.
It still happens.

And your willingness to allow it—rather than fight it—
is what determines how long it stays and how powerful it feels.

I’m going to talk more about that in just a couple of minutes.

This belief quietly organizes our entire lives.

It determines what we try for.
What we hope for.
What we say out loud.
What we let ourselves want.

Especially in IVF.

Because IVF asks us, over and over again, to be in relationship with uncertainty, disappointment, and grief.

And if we believe certain feelings are intolerable, of course we’re going to contort ourselves trying to avoid them.

Here is the reframe that changes everything.

And I want you to really let this land.

If a feeling is the worst thing that can happen to me…
then it is something I can learn to tolerate.

Feelings are not fatal.
They are not permanent.
They are not proof that something has gone wrong.

They are experiences.

Painful ones.
Unwanted ones.
But still—experiences.

And when someone learns that they can feel a feeling fully, honestly, and willingly…
and stay present…

They become incredibly powerful.

Before I tell you what to do with a feeling,
we have to talk about how we’re relating to it.

Because a lot of us approach emotions with a hidden agenda.

It sounds like this:

“I’ll sit with this…
but it can’t stay.”

“I’ll let myself feel this…
but only for a little bit.”

“I’ll tolerate this…
as long as it goes away.”

And I want you to hear this gently:

When we bring an agenda to pain, we actually prolong it.

Not because we’re failing—
but because our nervous system can feel the pressure.

It knows we’re waiting for the feeling to leave.

And that communicates something very specific:

“This is not safe to feel.”

So the emotion stays louder.
More insistent.
More consuming.

Not to punish us—
but because it hasn’t been fully received yet.

This is where people confuse control with regulation.

We think regulation means:

• making the feeling smaller

• making it shorter

• making it go away

But real regulation sounds very different.

It sounds like this:

“You’re here with me.
You don’t have to go.
But you’re not in charge of me.”

No deadline.
No eviction notice.
No bargaining.

Just presence without surrendering leadership.

This is the heart of self-led co-regulation.

You are not suppressing the feeling.
You are not indulging it.
You are not letting it run your life.

You are staying in relationship with it—
while staying in charge of yourself.

And paradoxically, this is what allows emotions to move through more quickly.

Because emotions don’t need to be solved.

They need to be met without resistance.

Once the agenda is gone, now the tools actually work.

Emotional tolerance is not built by thinking differently.
It’s built by doing something different when the feeling shows up.

And no—this does not require journaling, meditation, or a perfectly regulated nervous system.

It requires repetition and permission.

1. Stay With the Feeling 10% Longer Than You Want To

You do not build tolerance by staying forever.

You build it by staying slightly longer than your instinct tells you to.

Stay ten percent longer.

This teaches your nervous system:

“I can be here—and nothing terrible happens.”

2. Name What You Notice—Not the Story

“I notice tightness in my chest.”
“I notice heaviness.”
“I notice the urge to escape.”

No meaning.
No fixing.

This shifts you from being inside the feeling
to beingwith the feeling.

3. Remove the Time Pressure

Instead of “this has to end,” try:

“I don’t need this to end right now.”

When the clock pressure lifts, tolerance increases.

4. Let the Feeling Change Without Forcing It

When we stop interfering, feelings often soften on their own.

Maybe they change.
Maybe they don’t.

Either way, you learn:

“I don’t have to control this to survive it.”

5. Build Evidence—Not Confidence

Each time you stay, feel, and remain standing, you collect proof.

Not that it didn’t hurt—
but that you lived through it.

That evidence is what reduces fear next time.

This is not about seeking suffering.
It’s not about minimizing pain.
It’s not toxic positivity.

Avoidance shrinks us.
Tolerance expands us.

And emotional tolerance is a learnable skill.

Instead of asking:

“What if this goes wrong?”

Try asking:

“If I felt the worst feeling I can imagine…
what would I need to survive it?”

Because you already have.

You are still here.

You are not fragile because feelings hurt.

You are powerful because you can feel deeply and remain standing.

And once you trust that—
there are very few things left to fear.

I’m so glad you’re here.
And I’ll talk to you soon.