Welcome to IVF This, Episode 203: IVF & Happiness Boundaries

Hey beautiful friends, welcome back to the podcast.

Today we are talking about something that I don’t think we discuss nearly enough in the infertility and IVF space.

And that is this idea of happiness boundaries.

The invisible emotional rules people begin creating around joy.
Around hope. Around excitement. Around feeling good.

The ways IVF slowly teaches people to become suspicious of happiness.

To ration it. Contain it. Delay it. Distrust it.

And honestly… I think this happens so gradually that many people don’t even realize it’s happening.

Because at first, it sounds reasonable.

“Don’t get too excited.”
“Don’t jinx it.”
“Guard your heart.”
“Stay realistic.”
“Don’t get your hopes up.”

And listen — I understand where those impulses come from.

When you have experienced disappointment…
loss…
failed cycles…
negative tests…
bad phone calls…
grief after grief after grief…

your nervous system starts trying to protect you from future pain.

Of course it does.

But over time, many people stop just protecting themselves from disappointment…

…and start protecting themselves from joy too.

And that is what I want to talk about today.

Not toxic positivity.
Not pretending everything is okay.
Not forcing gratitude.
Not “just be happy.”

Actually almost the opposite.

I want to talk about what happens when happiness itself begins to feel unsafe.

IVF TURNS HAPPINESS INTO A CONDITIONAL EXPERIENCE

One of the most painful things IVF does is that it slowly teaches people that happiness is conditional.

“I’ll feel okay once this works.”
“I’ll relax once I get pregnant.”
“I’ll be happy once we get good embryos.”
“Once we make it past the first trimester.”
“Once the anatomy scan is normal.”
“Once the baby is here.”

And before you know it, your entire emotional life has been pushed into the future.

Happiness becomes permanently deferred.

Because IVF is what I’ve called before a future-oriented stressor.

Your brain becomes obsessed with:
What if.
What’s next.
What could happen.
What might go wrong.

And because uncertainty feels so intolerable, people start believing:

“If I can just arrive at certainty, THEN I can finally feel peace.”

But the problem is:
IVF rarely gives certainty.

And honestly?
Life rarely gives certainty.

So happiness becomes this constantly moving target.

And I think this is where a really important distinction emerges:

Most people are not actually chasing happiness.

Most people are trying to eliminate unhappiness.

And those are not the same thing.

Because the absence of pain is not necessarily joy.
The absence of anxiety is not necessarily peace.
The absence of fear is not necessarily fulfillment.

Sometimes people think:
“If I could just stop feeling bad, THEN I would finally feel happy.”

But emotionally, those are completely different systems.

One is about aliveness.

The other is about threat reduction.

And IVF can slowly train people to organize their entire emotional lives around threat reduction.

How do I avoid devastation?
How do I avoid heartbreak?
How do I avoid disappointment?
How do I avoid emotional collapse?

Which makes complete sense.

But eventually many people stop asking:
“What would make me feel alive?”

And instead begin asking:
“What would hurt the least?”

THE NERVOUS SYSTEM BEGINS ASSOCIATING JOY WITH DANGER

Now I want to normalize something that I see ALL the time in this space.

Sometimes people think:
“Why can’t I just enjoy this moment?”
“Why can’t I let myself feel excited?”
“Why do I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop?”

And beautiful friend…
this is often not a mindset problem.

This is a nervous system problem.

Because after repeated disappointments, the brain starts building associations.

Last time I felt hopeful, I got hurt.
Last time I relaxed, something went wrong.
Last time I trusted good news, I got blindsided.

So eventually the nervous system starts doing something incredibly understandable:

It begins treating happiness itself like a threat.

Not because happiness is dangerous.
But because vulnerability feels dangerous.

And this is where people begin creating what I call happiness boundaries.

Emotional rules around joy.

Rules like:
Don’t celebrate too early.
Don’t get attached.
Don’t buy anything yet.
Don’t feel too excited.
Stay emotionally neutral.
Stay guarded.
Stay prepared.

And again — I want to say this compassionately:

These strategies make sense.

Your brain is trying to protect you.

But one of the hardest truths I’ve learned personally and professionally is this:

Withholding joy does not protect us from grief.

It just reduces our access to joy.

The absence of joy is not the same thing as safety.

And I know that can feel incredibly vulnerable to hear.

Because many people are terrified that allowing happiness will somehow make the loss worse.

But grief hurts because we loved.
Because we hoped.
Because we cared.

Not because we allowed ourselves one good afternoon.

Not because we smiled after a good phone call.
Not because we let ourselves feel hopeful for ten minutes.
Not because we experienced joy.

Joy in the present moment is never wasted.

Never.

HAPPINESS BECOMES MORALIZED

I also think happiness gets deeply moralized in infertility culture.

People feel pressure to:
stay positive
stay grateful
stay hopeful
stay strong
stay optimistic

And simultaneously…

people also feel guilty for happiness.

Guilty for feeling okay when someone else got bad news.
Guilty for enjoying pregnancy after infertility.
Guilty for relief.
Guilty for moving forward.
Guilty for moments of peace.

So happiness becomes incredibly complicated.

Almost monitored.

Like people are constantly trying to determine:
“Am I allowed to feel this?”
“Is this emotionally appropriate?”
“Am I betraying someone?”
“Am I betraying myself?”

And honestly, this is one of the cruelest parts of prolonged grief and trauma.

People stop trusting their own emotional experiences.

Everything becomes negotiated.

Even joy.

And one thing I wish more people understood is this:

Happiness is not a moral achievement.

It is not proof that you healed correctly.
It is not proof that you suffered enough.
It is not proof that life is fair.

And unhappiness is not a personal failure.

You are not failing because this is hard.
You are not broken because joy feels complicated right now.
You are not doing IVF wrong because happiness feels inaccessible.

This is what happens when human beings spend prolonged periods of time under uncertainty, grief, fear, and chronic stress.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HAPPINESS, RELIEF, AND PEACE

I also think many people accidentally confuse happiness with relief.

But relief is:
“The threat is gone.”

Happiness is something much broader.

And honestly?
A lot of people aren’t even trying to become happy anymore.

They’re trying to finally unclench.

Trying to finally exhale.
Trying to stop bracing.
Trying to stop waiting for impact.

And again — that makes so much sense.

But I think sometimes IVF narrows emotional life down to:
How do I suffer less?

Instead of:
How do I remain connected to myself while suffering?

Those are very different questions.

Because happiness is not a permanent emotional state.
It was never supposed to be.

It’s moments.
Experiences.
Connection.
Meaning.
Laughter.
Relief.
Presence.
Safety.
Pleasure.
Aliveness.

Tiny moments that coexist alongside grief.

Not replace grief.

Coexist with it.

And I think many people accidentally believe:
“If I’m still grieving, then happiness must not be real.”

But emotionally healthy people are not people who feel happy all the time.

Emotionally healthy people are people who can allow multiple emotional truths to exist at once.

“I’m scared AND hopeful.”
“I’m grieving AND grateful.”
“I’m exhausted AND still capable of joy.”
“I’m hurting AND still alive.”

That is emotional flexibility.

And honestly?
That’s far more sustainable than chasing permanent happiness.

So if you’ve noticed yourself creating happiness boundaries…
if joy feels complicated…
if hope feels dangerous…
if your nervous system keeps trying to protect you from disappointment by restricting your access to happiness…

I just want you to know:
you are not crazy.

Your brain adapted to pain.

That makes sense.

But beautiful friend…

you do not have to earn joy through certainty.

You do not have to wait until everything feels safe to allow yourself moments of aliveness.

And allowing happiness now does not make future grief more deserved.
More likely. Or more painful.

It just makes you human.

And maybe part of healing isn't learning to feel happy all the time.

Maybe part of healing is learning that joy and grief were never enemies to begin with.

That both can exist. That both can be true. That both belong here.

That’s what I have for you. Have a great week, and I’ll see you next week.